Haters Gonna Hate, and Pop-Tart Stuffed Biscuit Donuts

This week, I took a peek at my website statistics, and saw an oddly high number of click-overs from one particular web forum. Curious, I clicked over to see what was going on.

Turns out, it was a thread about totally disgusting food blogger creations, and I was prominently featured. One of my recipes even warranted a little animated vomiting emoticon (oddly adorable), and a proclamation that "Sandra Lee must be her idol". 

You could call these commenters nasty or rude, and I certainly wouldn't correct you.

The funny thing is, though, these so-called "haters" have actually done me quite a service with their attentions--they significantly upped my web traffic, which ultimately translates to more income for me in various ways. Most obviously, more views means more ad revenue--to a reasonable degree, ads don't care if you're horrified by the content, they just care about if their ad is viewed. But this attention can also lead to increased income in other, indirect ways. For instance: maybe someone will click over to see exactly what is so hate-worthy and then think "the recipes are awful but gosh, this artwork is cute" and click over to my webstore and buy a print.

It reminds me of when I was in art school, and there was a very controversial show at the Brooklyn Museum. It got a lot of negative attention, but this didn't mean the show was a failure. It was crowded ALL THE TIME. My takeaway was this: it doesn't necessarily matter if the reaction is good or bad to your art. The idea is that you want to GET a reaction. So, you know, the fact that people are reacting in horror to my candy bar pie or my deep-fried cupcakes on a stick doesn't bother me--I consider it a badge of pride that I am being noticed.

Don't get me wrong: I'm not totally zen about it. If I ran into one of these commenters in person, I would hasten to do something small and snide, like not hold a door open for them or hustle so I could get into the grocery line before them with a cart full of pop-tarts and pop-n-bake biscuits.

With all of the above in mind, particularly the part about pop-tarts and pop-n-bake biscuits, I'd like to present a recipe for the haters: Pop-Tart Stuffed Biscuit Donuts. 

The recipe was inspired by an actual, classy recipe, which was made by a pastry chef reader, Stephany Hicks from South Carolina. She called them "Pie-Nuts" and made them with a real yeast raised doughnut dough and homemade pies inside. Because she's classy and talented.

Of course, I went right in and made them somewhat trashy (I can't help it! I'm from New Jersey!) by substituting pie with pop-tarts, and doughnuts with pop-n-bake biscuit dough. Luckily, Stephany wasn't offended. She found it amusing, bless her sweet little soul.

How did they taste? 

Calorie-laden, slighty synthetic, and very sweet. The type of food that you know isn't necessarily good, but that somehow you can't...stop...eating. That is to say, awful and awesome, all at the same time. But...you already knew that, didn't you?

A dedication

This recipe is dedicated to everyone who has taken enough time to take issue with what I do--I paid for the ingredients with the money I earned from your web traffic. I think that deserves a new emoticon:

Note: I've called these "donuts" rather than "doughnuts"...because when paired with Pop-Tarts, it just felt more appropriate.

Pop-Tart Stuffed Biscuit Donuts 

Makes 4

Adapted from How to Make Doughnuts Using Biscuits from a Tube 

• 1 tube of pop-n-bake biscuits (with 8 biscuits)
• 1 Pop-Tart, cut into 4 equal pieces (I used a strawberry frosted--classic)
• vegetable oil, for frying
• a skillet for frying
• confectioners' sugar, for dusting

Procedure

1. Open up your tube of biscuits. Take out the biscuits, and flatten each one with your hand.
2. Place a piece of pop-tart in the center of one of the flattened biscuits, and place a second on top. Seal the edges to keep the pop-tart contained.
3. Repeat with the remaining biscuits and pop-tart pieces.
4. Pour the oil in your skillet until it is about 1/2 inch thick. Heat the oil on medium heat until it has reached 375 degrees. Don't have a thermometer? You can also break a small piece of dough off and toss it into the pan. If it starts bubbling assertively right away, you're probably ready to rock and roll.
5. Gently transfer one donut at a time into the pan. When they start to rise in the oil and turn brown, flip 'em. These are bigger than your typical donut, so they might require a little more frying time. 
6. Once fully fried, transfer to the paper towels to blot excess oil.
7. Gently cut one of the donuts open to check that it is cooked through. If they seem doughy inside, pop them in a 350 degree oven for 5-10 minutes until completely set inside.
8. Once finished, dust with confectioners' sugar and serve warm.

What kind of Pop-Tart would you put in these donuts?

Sweet Art: Pop-Tarts Vs. Toaster Strudel Death Match

Who do YOU think will win this battle?

The original is available for purchase here!

Gimme S'more: Chocolate Drop S'mores Pop-Tarts Cookies

CakeSpy Note: It's high time to take another look at this updated version of the pop-tarts cookie recipe, because it's featured on Serious Eats this week!

Have you ever found yourself eating a chocolate cookie and thought to yourself that surely, surely there must be a way to heighten this delicious experience?

The answer is yes, and that thing is Pop-Tarts. More specifically, S'mores Pop-Tarts.

And with that, let me introduce what is bound to become a new classic: The Chocolate Drop S'mores Pop-Tart Cookie. It's a mouthful in more ways than one, a taste so wholly unholy that while part of you may cry no, most of you will cry for s'more.

Here's the recipe. For more details and printable instructions, visit Serious Eats!

Chocolate Drop S'more Pop-Tarts Cookies

Adapted from Betty Crocker's Cooky Book

Makes about 2 dozen cookies

• 1/2 cup butter
• 1 cup sugar
• 1 egg
• 2 squares unsweetened chocolate (2 oz), melted and cooled
• 3/4 cup buttermilk
• 1 tsp vanilla
• 1 3/4 cups flour
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 2 chopped s'mores Pop-Tarts

Procedure

1. Mix butter, sugar, egg, and chocolate thoroughly. Stir in buttermilk and vanilla.
2. In a separate bowl, mix flour with baking soda and salt; mix in with wet mixture.
3. Fold in the Pop-Tarts pieces.
4. Let dough chill for at least an hour.
5. Heat oven to 400 F. Drop rounded teaspoonfuls of dough about 2 inches apart on a greased or parchment-lined baking sheet. Bake for 8-10 minutes, or until no imprint remains when lightly touched. Let sit for 5 minutes on the sheet before transferring to a wire rack to cool.

Sweet Tarts: Homemade Pop Tarts Recipe a la Peabody

Oh, Pop Tarts. No matter what the makers of Toaster Strudel may say, I'd never hoard you uneaten in my locker.

After having made a batch of Avatar-inspired pop tarts for my most recent Serious Eats post, from which I adapted a recipe for homemade pop tarts on Culinary Concoctions by Peabody, I was naturally also tempted to make a batch in the more traditional pop tart format.

Made using an all-butter crust (Peabody's called for part shortening, but lacking shortening I went the all-butter route), these are a bit flakier and less soft than the pop tarts I remember, but they've got a leg up in the delicious department--and who wouldn't be delighted to choose their own Pop Tart flavorings? (isn't that every child's--and some adults'--dream?)

The sky's the limit with these babies--you could fill them with jam and top them with a thin icing with sprinkles for the traditional look and feel of the pop tart--or you could go straight for the fatty jugular as I did with half my batch, filling them with decadent dark chocolate and topping them with peanut butter icing (photo to come). You're welcome.

Homemade Pop Tarts

Makes 6-8 tarts, maybe even more, depending on size; adapted from wonderful, wonderful Culinary Concoctions by Peabody

For the crust

• 1 1/2 cups flour
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 cup (1 stick) butter, softened and cut into cubes
• 3 tablespoons cold water

For the filling

Jam, about 1 heaping teaspoonful per pastry (your choice of flavor; I used blueberry)

For the icing

• 1 cup confectioners' sugar, sifted
• heavy cream, to thin (you could use milk...but I like cream)

Procedure

1. Preheat oven to 450°F. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper; set to the side.
2. Combine flour and salt in a large bowl. Add butter and blend with a fork, pastry cutter, or your impeccably clean hands. Blend until the mixture is fairly coarse. Add the water, bit by bit, gently mixing the dough after each addition, until the dough is cohesive enough to form a ball.
3. Place dough on a lightly floured surface and roll into a rectangle, about 1/8 inch thick. Cut out rectangles approximately the size of index cards (3x5 inches), or smaller if you prefer a more modest portion (I didn't). Make sure you have an even number of cutouts. I think that mine might have been a little thicker than 1/8 an inch, but I ended up with 12 rectangles (for 6 pastries).
4. On half of the rectangles, place a small spoonful of the jam of your choice in the center. You don't want it to be too thick or the top crust will mound on top of it.
5. Place the remaining rectangles of dough on top of the ones with jam. Crimp all four edges by hand or with a fork to ensure that your filling won't ooze out. I also poked the top of each with a fork, to vent them.
6. Place the tarts on your prepared baking sheet, and bake for 7 to 8 minutes, or until light golden on the edges. Remove from the oven and let them cool completely.
7. While the tarts cool, prepare your icing; make sure it is fairly thin but not so thin that it will just drip off. Once the pop tarts are cool, drizzle it on top. Garnish with sprinkles.