The Ten Commandments of Guilty Pleasure Desserts

Hear thee, hear thee!

I have alarming news about the world: it is overrun with locally produced, artisan desserts. It's a frightening time to be alive, when where bearing a Twinkie or Snowball in your hand is viewed almost as disdainfully as smoking a cigarette in front of an elementary school.  

Why is it so terrible to take deep pleasure in sub-standard, commerically produced desserts? After all, life is short, and we have the right to derive pleasure both from high quality, lovingly baked desserts, as well as the ones that don't have any benefit but our gratification.

What follows is not just a series of commandments about guilty pleasure desserts, but an ode to their very essence! Follow these commandments for a life filled with guilty yet pleasurable sugary bliss.

Thou shalt not be local

A guilty pleasure shouldn't be a locally made food, unless you happen to live down the block from the Pop-Tart factory (in which case, I've been meaning to ask, can I move in with you?)

Thou shalt not be organic

If it has the word "organic" on it, be immediately suspicious of its guilty pleasure capacity. I've never in my life seen a package of Goetze's bullseye caramels labeled "organic"...have you?

Thou shalt not bear the word "artisan"

"Artisan" is a sure fire sign of quality that is not in the sphere of guilty pleasuredom. It is not a common attribute of a guilty pleaure dessert. 

Thou shalt be pre-packaged

If a dessert item is in plastic packaging, this is a very good sign. I am not talking about plastic wrap here, but the kind of plastic cello packaging that is sealed by machines. All the better if units are individually packaged and then put in a common box, such as Little Debbie brownies.

Thou shalt possess a list of ingredients totaling one mile long

If you are in doubt about whether or not a food can be considered a guilty pleasure, take a look at the ingredient list. If it is short and you can pronounce every single word on it, immediately put it back on the shelf and keep looking. Your guilty pleasure item should contain an impressive list of ingredients, most of which you do not recognize and/or cannot pronounce. 

Thou shalt not be classified as health food, ever

If anything about a dessert item smacks of health food, give it a wide berth. I'll be the first to admit that there are exceptions: Little Debbie's oatmeal creme pies might sound fairly virtuous, and I suppose the orange content in creamsicles could lull you into a sense of health security. 

Thou shalt not possess colors readily found in nature

We eat with our eyes first, so guilty pleasure desserts benefit from a healthy dose of color. But watch out: if the color looks suspiciously like one found in nature, it might not actually be a guilty pleasure. If it has a palette which vaguely resembles the colors of a Lisa Frank trapper keeper, you're in business.

Thou shalt not cost an arm and a leg

Have you ever anyone saying "these $4.25 a pop cupcakes made with all local organic ingredients are my guilty pleasure"? No. Twinkies are a guilty pleasure, and if you shop right, you can get two whole boxes for that price.

Thou shalt not possess nutritional benefits

What kind of nutritional benefits should a guilty pleasure dessert have? It should have zero. I firmly believe that the primary benefit of a guilty pleasure dessert is on a mental level and you shouldn't sully it with physical benefits. Or, put it this way: nobody in the history of ever has eaten Snowballs because coconut is high in manganese.

Thou shalt feel right at home in a child's school lunchbox

Here's a good test for whether a dessert classifies as a guilty pleasure or not. Would a six year old kid be psyched to find it in their lunch box? If so, you may have a guilty pleasure dessert on your hands. 

What is your governing law of what constitutes a guilty pleasure? Leave a comment!

How to Add Perspective and Dimension to Your Art

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Monday Funday: A Fun Donut Activity

Donut you love Mondays? 

Um, OK. I realize it's not very nice of me to ask that while I'm in Puerto Rico soaking up the sun. But let me help knock you out of the Monday doldrums with some virtual donuts!

What you see above is a sweet opportunity to hone your donut drawing skills. Bonus: if you've mastered donut drawing, that means you can draw bagels, too!

Enjoy, and happy Monday!

Donut Doubt My Devotion

Seriously, sweeties. If you want a bunch of my awesome doughnut recipes all in one place, plus even more awesome doughnut stuff, you've got to check out this free doughnut download via Craftsy. You'll thank me, donut you doubt it.

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Did you miss my extremely opinionated essay on what is and is not crumb cake?

This is crumb cake, btw.

Book of the week: SprinkleBakes: Dessert Recipes to Inspire Your Inner Artist. I love this girl because she bakes, is artistic, and owns a pug. Sound familiar? Oddly, our styles are quite different in spite of the fact that we sound like twins. I'm glad: she is absolutely amazing, and if I didn't love her work so much I would be jealous.

Crumb Cake: An Extremely Opinionated Education

Before we even get into the issue of "what is crumb cake, anyway?" I'd like to address why, exactly, I ought to be considered an authority on the subject. In my opinion, of course.

First off, I was born and raised by the Jersey shore.

This is part of what you could consider the "crumb cake belt", extending into New York state to the North and down as far as the mid-Atlantic to the south. To the best of my knowledge, though, the New York metro area and about an hour outside of it is really where crumb cake is a prime time food.

I have experienced a lot of crumb cake in my time.

From the time I was able to eat solids, it was a favorite of mine as I grew up by the Jersey shore; the square box of Entenmann's crumb cake was a constant in our house, and whenever I had the opportunity to get a treat at the bakery or a deli, crumb cake was always my pick. For me, crumb cake has always been one of those foods, that like pizza, "even when it's bad, it's still good." 

I've tried it all: artisan versions, commercially produced versions, bakery versions, homemade ones. And with nearly 33 years of crumb cake eating under my belt, I'd like to offer some opinions and thoughts on the stuff.

Crumb cake in America

If I were to make an educated guess on the history of crumb cake, it would be this.

What we know today as crumb cake is most likely the adaptation of coffee cake recipes by German bakers who came to America. The cake does bear a passing resemblance to many of the streusel topped kuchen recipes, a popular coffee-friendly cake from Germany. 

To further my conjecture, I would guess that stateside bakers responded to the fact that everyone loves crumb by adding more to theirs, thus making everyone come back for more. As we all know, a lot of the NYC deli treats (black and white cookies are a good example) are often impressive in scale; if some is good, more is better. Today, many crumb cakes boast as much as a 50-50 ratio of crumb to cake. We live in a blessed time.

A regional treat

Curiously, while crumb cake is delicious regardless of your geography, it seems to be available primarily on the east coast, with a particular concentration in the New York metro area. In general, from New York city out to commuter areas is going to be the epicenter. 

As a result of the regional aspect, many people further away have no idea what crumb cake actually is or should be. I remember in Seattle, people would think that a coffee cake with a streusel topping was a crumb cake. Sometimes, bakeries would even label it as such, adding to the confusion. 

So here, let me show you in pictures a review of what crumb cake is and is not.

What crumb cake is

In a world full of cakes that have crumbs, defining true crumb cake can sometimes be difficult.  So let me illustrate some examples of what crumb cake is.

This is crumb cake. Note the lightly yellow-hued cake. It is not to be confused with yellow cake, which is sponge-like and airy. There should be a certain fluffiness to the cake, but it needs to be sturdy enough to be weight bearing, because as you may have noticed, there is a rather top-heavy coating of fat brown sugar crumbs. However, it is not as firm as pound cake; it has a little give.

As for the crumb, this is important: it is not a solid layer of brown sugar, but a collection of fat brown sugar clusters. 

In contemporary times, it is my belief that crumb cake should be at the very least 1/3 crumb, preferably 1/2 crumb to cake. But less than 1/3 and it's not crumb cake, it's cake with a crumb topping.

If you are worried about adding too much crumb, don't be. As you can see from the above, even a 9/10 crumb to 1/10 cake ratio is just fine.

Crumb cake can be purchased in a few places: prominently at delicatessens, where it may be individually wrapped in plastic. It can also be found at bakeries and bagel joints. It is not necessarily a fancy food, so you should be wary of fancy establishments who try to take a unique spin on crumb cake.

What crumb cake is definitely not

I want to say from the get-go that it's very possible for non-crumb cakes to be delicious. However, tastiness aside, none of the below cakes are crumb cake, and should not be referred to as such. If I asked for a slice of crumb cake and one of these were delivered, I would definitely have words with the baker about their terminology.

Photo via wikipedia commons

Cake with a streusel topping. I can see how you're confused. But NO. Streusel is a topping, not an ingegral half of the cake. Not crumb cake.
Photo via pixabay

Things called "coffee cake" with crumbs on top. Still not crumb cake. 

Crumb topped bar cookies. Tasty, but not crumb cake. They have a cookie base, not cake, and a more dense, cookie-like crumb. Not crumb cake. Bar cookies. Got it?

Desserts with crumbs on top. Even if they are fat crumbs, like on this apple crisp, they are not crumb cake.

Almost but not quite crumb cake (in CakeSpy's opinion)

This is a coffee cake, not a proper crumb cake. The brown sugar swirl hidden inside is delightful, but it doesn't fully detract from the fact that there is 9/10 cake and 1/10 crumb going on here. The crumbs are too small; they aren't tightly packed or large enough. No.

Here is a fine example of a cake that almost, but not quite, classifies as crumb cake. While the ingredients are right, the ratio is off: it's more about the cake than the crumb. And speaking of the crumb, that's a problem, too: it's more like a thin layer of brown sugar topping rather than an assemblage of crumbs. This particular one tasted great, but lacked the satisfaction of crumbs the size of walnuts which you could pick off and enjoy.

Variations can be all right

Crumb cake is allowed to come in different variations and flavors. In New York delis, you'll see raspberry crumb cake (a thin layer of raspberry lives between the crumb and the cake), chocolate (the cake is marbled or two-tone and there is a chocolate ribbon on top), and a handful of other flavors. It is OK to add flavors to crumb cake. What is not ok, however, is to alter the architecture of the crumb top.

The crumb-heavy top is a constant, and must remain consistent.

As for the confectioners' sugar, I'm not a stickler. If they put a drizzle of glaze on top instead, I am fine with that.

What makes a good crumb cake

Here's a quick guide to the characteristics of a fine crumb cake:

• Ratio. Lots of crumb. No more than 2/3 cake.
• The perfect cake. Fluffy, but not spongey. Rich, but not pound cake.
• Salt. You have to have salt added to the crumbs. It makes them irresistible.
• Fat crumbs, presence of. The crumbs can be varied in size, but each slice should have at least one or two very fat crumbs. 
• Coffee. Not as in you have to drink coffee with the cake (although that's quite nice) but as an indicator of the time of day best for eating crumb cake. It's the morning. Coffee time, and a cake that is not coffee cake, but crumb cake. If you have this cake for breakfast, it means you can still have dessert later!

Hey, if you love crumb cake, you may be interested in these recipes of mine:

Behemoth crumb cake, featured in CakeSpy Presents Sweet Treats for a Sugar-Filled Life

Classic NYC Crumb cake adapted from Arthur Schwartz

Do you have any thoughts to add on crumb cake? Leave a comment!

New York City Style Style Rainbow Cookies

New York city may be a place where people dress in all black, but they're definitely not rainbow-averse. It's proven in the regional specialty known as the Rainbow cookie. It's also known as an Italian flag cookie, but you know, I have made my decision on which one I like better. Learn how to make these cookies here.

Cuppie's Mini New York Diary

Dear Sweet Readers,

This past weekend, I went to NYC for a visit with some old dear friends, and I brought Cuppie with me.

You'd be absolutely appalled by how few sweets I ate on my trip (it was whirlwind and I was focused on my buddies!), so instead of telling you everything I ate, I thought I'd share, here, some of Cuppie's favorite moments from our trip.

First, I took Cuppie to Washington Square Park. "When Harry Met Sally!" he exclaimed.

Then I took Cuppie to the original Magnolia Bakery. "A bit obvious, don't you think?" Cuppie scoffed, and insisted taking the picture across the street so he didn't look like "the dude who wore the band's t-shirt to the concert." 

"You sound like a food blogger, Cuppie!" I replied.

We ambled on over for a walk on the High Line, but before, we stopped in on our friends Liddabit Sweets.

Then, we headed to Brooklyn. "The G train sucks!" said Cuppie, like a true New Yorker.

I showed Cuppie where I studied Illustration, at Pratt. "It's like going to my own personal Ellis Island!" he said.

We walked by Broken Angel, a special house near Pratt that fell on some hard times.

Then we headed back to Manhattan and finished it all out with a glance at the Empire State Building (pictured top). Lovely!

Well, Cuppie enjoyed his time in NYC and I hope you liked reading about it. Next up: an article about NY Crumb cake!

Love, Cakespy

Wonky Cake Inspiration

Photo via CraftsyFeeling topsy-turvy? If you are what you eat, go with wonky...cake, that is! I've put together a collection of wonderful, whimsical, wonky cakes to keep you inspired to pursue awesome cake decorating projects. Here's the collection.