Haters Gonna Hate, and Pop-Tart Stuffed Biscuit Donuts
Wednesday, November 19, 2014 
This week, I took a peek at my website statistics, and saw an oddly high number of click-overs from one particular web forum. Curious, I clicked over to see what was going on.
Turns out, it was a thread about totally disgusting food blogger creations, and I was prominently featured. One of my recipes even warranted a little animated vomiting emoticon (oddly adorable), and a proclamation that "Sandra Lee must be her idol".
You could call these commenters nasty or rude, and I certainly wouldn't correct you.
The funny thing is, though, these so-called "haters" have actually done me quite a service with their attentions--they significantly upped my web traffic, which ultimately translates to more income for me in various ways. Most obviously, more views means more ad revenue--to a reasonable degree, ads don't care if you're horrified by the content, they just care about if their ad is viewed. But this attention can also lead to increased income in other, indirect ways. For instance: maybe someone will click over to see exactly what is so hate-worthy and then think "the recipes are awful but gosh, this artwork is cute" and click over to my webstore and buy a print.
It reminds me of when I was in art school, and there was a very controversial show at the Brooklyn Museum. It got a lot of negative attention, but this didn't mean the show was a failure. It was crowded ALL THE TIME. My takeaway was this: it doesn't necessarily matter if the reaction is good or bad to your art. The idea is that you want to GET a reaction. So, you know, the fact that people are reacting in horror to my candy bar pie or my deep-fried cupcakes on a stick doesn't bother me--I consider it a badge of pride that I am being noticed.
Don't get me wrong: I'm not totally zen about it. If I ran into one of these commenters in person, I would hasten to do something small and snide, like not hold a door open for them or hustle so I could get into the grocery line before them with a cart full of pop-tarts and pop-n-bake biscuits.
With all of the above in mind, particularly the part about pop-tarts and pop-n-bake biscuits, I'd like to present a recipe for the haters: Pop-Tart Stuffed Biscuit Donuts.
The recipe was inspired by an actual, classy recipe, which was made by a pastry chef reader, Stephany Hicks from South Carolina. She called them "Pie-Nuts" and made them with a real yeast raised doughnut dough and homemade pies inside. Because she's classy and talented.
Of course, I went right in and made them somewhat trashy (I can't help it! I'm from New Jersey!) by substituting pie with pop-tarts, and doughnuts with pop-n-bake biscuit dough. Luckily, Stephany wasn't offended. She found it amusing, bless her sweet little soul.
How did they taste?
Calorie-laden, slighty synthetic, and very sweet. The type of food that you know isn't necessarily good, but that somehow you can't...stop...eating. That is to say, awful and awesome, all at the same time. But...you already knew that, didn't you?
A dedication
This recipe is dedicated to everyone who has taken enough time to take issue with what I do--I paid for the ingredients with the money I earned from your web traffic. I think that deserves a new emoticon:
Note: I've called these "donuts" rather than "doughnuts"...because when paired with Pop-Tarts, it just felt more appropriate.
Pop-Tart Stuffed Biscuit Donuts
Makes 4
Adapted from How to Make Doughnuts Using Biscuits from a Tube
- 1 tube of pop-n-bake biscuits (with 8 biscuits)
- 1 Pop-Tart, cut into 4 equal pieces (I used a strawberry frosted--classic)
- vegetable oil, for frying
- a skillet for frying
- confectioners' sugar, for dusting
Procedure
- Open up your tube of biscuits. Take out the biscuits, and flatten each one with your hand.
- Place a piece of pop-tart in the center of one of the flattened biscuits, and place a second on top. Seal the edges to keep the pop-tart contained.
- Repeat with the remaining biscuits and pop-tart pieces.
- Pour the oil in your skillet until it is about 1/2 inch thick. Heat the oil on medium heat until it has reached 375 degrees. Don't have a thermometer? You can also break a small piece of dough off and toss it into the pan. If it starts bubbling assertively right away, you're probably ready to rock and roll.
- Gently transfer one donut at a time into the pan. When they start to rise in the oil and turn brown, flip 'em. These are bigger than your typical donut, so they might require a little more frying time.
- Once fully fried, transfer to the paper towels to blot excess oil.
- Gently cut one of the donuts open to check that it is cooked through. If they seem doughy inside, pop them in a 350 degree oven for 5-10 minutes until completely set inside.
- Once finished, dust with confectioners' sugar and serve warm.
Reader Comments (29)
LOVE "awful" and awesome food!! i feel terribly guilty afterwards though! :)
xo
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It's hilarious that folks would take such umbrage with with creative baking. Some bakers just don't know how to have fun. Blarfff.
Was that harsh? My bad. ;)
Your site is well-loved, and having haters just means you've really made it big enough to get noticed. Keep up the good work!
That said, YOU’RE FROM NJ?!? Sorry if I’ve asked this before; I’m from Bergen County.
My sister & I are big-time Pop Tart fans.
My sister likes the strawberry ones right out of the freezer.
I'm more traditional & go for the brown sugar cinnamon warm out of the toaster.
It's funny, Jessie, I was recently thinking about the sort of stuff that gets people drooling
and you have it right.
Over-the-top, crazy yummy treats!
I will have to make these for breakfast over our Xmas break. Woohoo!
Dini: Don't feel guilty! I love you sharing your story. Keep blogging, you'll get more nasties, I promise!
Heather: That means a lot coming from you, someone I look up to so much!
Allie: LOL! Thank you!
Nick: so true. I'll bet they're all the type of people who say "I prefer cake without frosting"
Sue: A good viewpoint indeed.
Joanne: You are so wise!! And I'd rather have YOU as a reader than any of them!!
Kate: I like you, A LOT!
Chineka: so right. :-) breakfast of champions!
Katie: I love "fun-suckers" (although I have a meaner and choicer word that actually rhymes). It wasn't harsh, it was true!!
Dorothy: you and me. Eating pop-tart doughnuts til the end. :-)
Lynn: So true! Don't read what they write about you, just measure it in inches. :-) Yes, I'm from nj! The Jersey Shore. Maybe you know it from the tv-show. That's exactly where I grew up. That area.
Annie: Amen!! Bakers gonna bake!
Charlotte: EXACTLY! You understand me!
Leandra: Your comment was like a hug! THANK YOU!
Erin: Drowning my sorrows in pop-tarts helps :-)
Coco: Out of the freezer, after being toasted? Or a pack put in the freezer? Thank you for your comment - it is like sunshine!
You know you've gone big-time when you get the haters. You handled it perfectly. Just a simple case of envy is all. Keep up the good work! xoj