Sweet But Dark: Fifty Ways to Kill a Twinkie
Sunday, November 23, 2008 
Thanks again to our buddy at Suspect and Fugitive for her help on this adventure!
It's been said that Twinkies could survive a Nuclear Holocaust--and we wouldn't dare challenge the wisdom of The Family Guy. But what about far more mundane, everyday perils? Certainly Twinkies aren't completely indestructable. There's always a means to an end, isn't there? As Paul Simon once said, there must be fifty ways to leave your lover--and so, in what may be considered a perverse twist on this logic, we figured there must also be fifty ways to kill a Twinkie. Ranging from somewhat useful to creative to downright cruel, here they are:
1. Step on it. If so desired, do it slowly.
2. Death by Razr: crush it in a cell phone.
3. Put it in a handbag for a week. That sucker doesn't have a chance.
4. Put it in the mail. (Note: The first picture is before we sent it --for the recipient's privacy we photographed it before adhering the label-- and the second is after it arrived.)
6. Leave it out in the Seattle rain.
7. Make it listen to Randy Newman on an endless loop.
9. Teddy Graham attack!
10. Pour boiling water on it. Either marvel at, or be repulsed by, the results.
11. Stuff it in a sewer grate.
12. Hurl it at the Space Needle. (Note: We wanted to throw it FROM the Space Needle, but fearing arrest and / or heavy fines, we decided to throw it AT the Space Needle.)
13. Make it into roadkill.
14. Give it to someone less fortunate (to use it as a punching bag when they see they got a ticket).
15. Impale it.
16. Chop it into tiny bits--you know, like mobsters do.
17. Fry cubed Twinkie and make Twinkie Croutons.
18. Make your friends eat a real salad with Twinkie croutons--hilarity will ensue! (for you).
19. Add salt. It kills slugs, so why not Twinkies, right?
20. Put it in the microwave. Wonder why the microwave makes the cream filling turn to translucent goo.
21. Go all Damien Hirst on it!
22. Make it into something delicious, like Twinkie tiramisu.
23. Feed it to a snake.
24. Sit on it for an extended period of time.
25. Put bleach in its coffee.
26. Slice it in half and try to see hidden Rorschach-style pictures.
27. Make Twinkie hot dogs!
28. Use it to balance a wobbly chair.
29. Give it a Monster Thickburger--a heart attack will surely follow.
30. Go all mad science, like these people did.
31. Make it into an instant breakfast. Screw you, Carnation Instant!
32. Give it alcohol poisoning.
33. Use it as a bookend.
34. Leave it to Godzilla's wrath.
35. Dehydrate it.
36. Give it to a guinea pig.
37. Skewer it. Twin-kebab, anyone?
38. Make Twinkie Sushi (Note: This was not originally our idea. Check it out here.)
39. Give it to Mariah Carey. That Twinkie's a goner for sure.
40. Submit it to cryogenesis, as these people did.
42. Freeze it
44. Use it as a doorstop.
45. Mauled by Unicorn!
46. Drop it off a building. We didn't, but they did.
47. Mentos, Diet Coke, Explode!
48. Hang it.
49. Give it to an artist. We gave it to our good friend at Suspect and Fugitive, who made a "Twin-Keith Richards" portrait out of the creme filling. Why? Well, as an homage to their shared infinite shelf life.
Finally, for #50? Oh, you know...eat it. If you dare.
cakespy mischief
Reader Comments (94)
ANY death by Heathers reference.... brilliant.
What a great distraction from work! Thanks for entertaining me for a few minutes!
The Godzilla picture is amazing!
Hilarious! I love the Teddy Graham attack. Can't believe the postal service sent the twinkie. I'm going to have to try that!
You are too funny! I love the teddy graham attack and the mobster cut up. But, seriously, there all pretty funny. Thanks for making my night.
What an outrageously awesomely funny post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This post was the highlight of my day.
I think how you leave out the photo of Twinkies being "shanked" to death. :]
Twinkie croutons crack me up!
I never, ever thought I could feel so sad and sorry for a Twinkie.
I can't stop laughing seeing your photos :D
I have got to get better at Photoshop!!! Great post -- made me laugh out loud.
I love Twinkies.... just send them to me. :)
This is hilarious! I love that you mailed it in a CLEAR envelope! Don't you wish you could hear what was said as it passed hands at the post office?!? :)
You are so cruel!!! It pains me to read this, because I was known as "Twinkie The Kid" in middle school, since the Twinkie was my dessert of choice in my lunch box. Now, years later, those Twinkie sushi actually look pretty good to me. Did you ever taste "Undescended Twinkies?" It's kind of a trifle dessert of Twinkies floating on a Creamsicle sea of Orange Jello and Cool Whip. A real crowd pleaser!
lol @ Damien Hirst!
You are so weird. :)
Hilarious. I can't imagine how long it took to come up with all those!
Um, did the guinea pig survive? ;)
You are crazy funny! I like your snake dramatization.
They're all hilarious! This post made my day =)
Bless you and this post. I was in complete awe during all of my index finger scrolling. I am twittering this post for sure.
The snake illustration was my favorite for sure, but all around this tickled me.
There is no link for the twinkie sushi though, and I'm just dieing to know what the original story was on that!
hahahahah totally cracked me up. SO FUNNY! :) Especially like the one when it was squashed at the bbq pit, I felt a weird sense of accomplishment when I saw the before and after photo of it. lol.
Amsie.
Oh...wow. Someone's had too much sugar me thinks! ;-)
Thanks for the good laugh!! I think you may have had too much time on your hands this weekend!! :)
How creative.
LOVE it
VERY funny, and your rings are beautiful!
Why do you even have Randy Newman on your iPod?! Be careful... you may be arrested for cruel and unusual punishment/torture...