Sweet But Dark: Fifty Ways to Kill a Twinkie
Sunday, November 23, 2008 
Thanks again to our buddy at Suspect and Fugitive for her help on this adventure!
It's been said that Twinkies could survive a Nuclear Holocaust--and we wouldn't dare challenge the wisdom of The Family Guy. But what about far more mundane, everyday perils? Certainly Twinkies aren't completely indestructable. There's always a means to an end, isn't there? As Paul Simon once said, there must be fifty ways to leave your lover--and so, in what may be considered a perverse twist on this logic, we figured there must also be fifty ways to kill a Twinkie. Ranging from somewhat useful to creative to downright cruel, here they are:
1. Step on it. If so desired, do it slowly.
2. Death by Razr: crush it in a cell phone.
3. Put it in a handbag for a week. That sucker doesn't have a chance.
4. Put it in the mail. (Note: The first picture is before we sent it --for the recipient's privacy we photographed it before adhering the label-- and the second is after it arrived.)
6. Leave it out in the Seattle rain.
7. Make it listen to Randy Newman on an endless loop.
9. Teddy Graham attack!
10. Pour boiling water on it. Either marvel at, or be repulsed by, the results.
11. Stuff it in a sewer grate.
12. Hurl it at the Space Needle. (Note: We wanted to throw it FROM the Space Needle, but fearing arrest and / or heavy fines, we decided to throw it AT the Space Needle.)
13. Make it into roadkill.
14. Give it to someone less fortunate (to use it as a punching bag when they see they got a ticket).
15. Impale it.
16. Chop it into tiny bits--you know, like mobsters do.
17. Fry cubed Twinkie and make Twinkie Croutons.
18. Make your friends eat a real salad with Twinkie croutons--hilarity will ensue! (for you).
19. Add salt. It kills slugs, so why not Twinkies, right?
20. Put it in the microwave. Wonder why the microwave makes the cream filling turn to translucent goo.
21. Go all Damien Hirst on it!
22. Make it into something delicious, like Twinkie tiramisu.
23. Feed it to a snake.
24. Sit on it for an extended period of time.
25. Put bleach in its coffee.
26. Slice it in half and try to see hidden Rorschach-style pictures.
27. Make Twinkie hot dogs!
28. Use it to balance a wobbly chair.
29. Give it a Monster Thickburger--a heart attack will surely follow.
30. Go all mad science, like these people did.
31. Make it into an instant breakfast. Screw you, Carnation Instant!
32. Give it alcohol poisoning.
33. Use it as a bookend.
34. Leave it to Godzilla's wrath.
35. Dehydrate it.
36. Give it to a guinea pig.
37. Skewer it. Twin-kebab, anyone?
38. Make Twinkie Sushi (Note: This was not originally our idea. Check it out here.)
39. Give it to Mariah Carey. That Twinkie's a goner for sure.
40. Submit it to cryogenesis, as these people did.
42. Freeze it
44. Use it as a doorstop.
45. Mauled by Unicorn!
46. Drop it off a building. We didn't, but they did.
47. Mentos, Diet Coke, Explode!
48. Hang it.
49. Give it to an artist. We gave it to our good friend at Suspect and Fugitive, who made a "Twin-Keith Richards" portrait out of the creme filling. Why? Well, as an homage to their shared infinite shelf life.
Finally, for #50? Oh, you know...eat it. If you dare.
cakespy mischief
Reader Comments (94)
you are way too creative! hahah this is so neat!! loves it
That was so cute. PBR ME ASAP! :)
I thought I was gonna die from laughing too much (and my husband probably thinks I'm a weirdo because I'm quietly laughing hard).
OMG! This was so hilarious. haha!
This will become a classic post and people will talk about it for generations to come. hehe. Brilliant!
i just laughed out loud 50 times LMAO
#21 for the WIN!!
This is total genius Cakespy! You must have had such a laugh doing this. I love how you have so much green stuff in your flat; chair, utensils and even a knifed man
This is absolutely hilarious! I giggled all the way through!
15 and 23 are my favorites! You are very very clever (and devious, LOL). :D
You've got a wickedly funny sense of humor. I was gratified to see that my preference for the two end frosting dollops are for a reason - did you see how skimpy the frosting was in middle dollop in the the sliced open Rorschach shot? (#26)
LOL omgod that's SO cute and adorable! esp. the graham bears attack! it looks like they grew inside the twinkie and then bust outta there!
I think I just broke a rib from laughing so hard! You are the bestest!!
Found this post through A Southern Grace. My good laugh of the day, thanks. :)
hahaha... :D very creative and original... the twinkie tiramisu does look yummy..
Everyone on here has said all that I can think of...except you have possibly ruined it for the twinkie cousin my beloved to make her intrance...Dollie Madison's 'Banana Flip'...
Thanks for the laughs! I am forwarding this one to friends!
HEY LOL Somebody Stole My Twinkie!!!!
LOVE these pictures. Too funny. I have a Twinkie the Kid and I'm constantly taking funny pictures of him in different situations so this blog entry is right along those lines for me. hahah. LOVED It!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-_FO9p8Xdg