Sweet But Dark: Fifty Ways to Kill a Twinkie
Sunday, November 23, 2008 
Thanks again to our buddy at Suspect and Fugitive for her help on this adventure!
It's been said that Twinkies could survive a Nuclear Holocaust--and we wouldn't dare challenge the wisdom of The Family Guy. But what about far more mundane, everyday perils? Certainly Twinkies aren't completely indestructable. There's always a means to an end, isn't there? As Paul Simon once said, there must be fifty ways to leave your lover--and so, in what may be considered a perverse twist on this logic, we figured there must also be fifty ways to kill a Twinkie. Ranging from somewhat useful to creative to downright cruel, here they are:
1. Step on it. If so desired, do it slowly.
2. Death by Razr: crush it in a cell phone.
3. Put it in a handbag for a week. That sucker doesn't have a chance.
4. Put it in the mail. (Note: The first picture is before we sent it --for the recipient's privacy we photographed it before adhering the label-- and the second is after it arrived.)
6. Leave it out in the Seattle rain.
7. Make it listen to Randy Newman on an endless loop.
9. Teddy Graham attack!
10. Pour boiling water on it. Either marvel at, or be repulsed by, the results.
11. Stuff it in a sewer grate.
12. Hurl it at the Space Needle. (Note: We wanted to throw it FROM the Space Needle, but fearing arrest and / or heavy fines, we decided to throw it AT the Space Needle.)
13. Make it into roadkill.
14. Give it to someone less fortunate (to use it as a punching bag when they see they got a ticket).
15. Impale it.
16. Chop it into tiny bits--you know, like mobsters do.
17. Fry cubed Twinkie and make Twinkie Croutons.
18. Make your friends eat a real salad with Twinkie croutons--hilarity will ensue! (for you).
19. Add salt. It kills slugs, so why not Twinkies, right?
20. Put it in the microwave. Wonder why the microwave makes the cream filling turn to translucent goo.
21. Go all Damien Hirst on it!
22. Make it into something delicious, like Twinkie tiramisu.
23. Feed it to a snake.
24. Sit on it for an extended period of time.
25. Put bleach in its coffee.
26. Slice it in half and try to see hidden Rorschach-style pictures.
27. Make Twinkie hot dogs!
28. Use it to balance a wobbly chair.
29. Give it a Monster Thickburger--a heart attack will surely follow.
30. Go all mad science, like these people did.
31. Make it into an instant breakfast. Screw you, Carnation Instant!
32. Give it alcohol poisoning.
33. Use it as a bookend.
34. Leave it to Godzilla's wrath.
35. Dehydrate it.
36. Give it to a guinea pig.
37. Skewer it. Twin-kebab, anyone?
38. Make Twinkie Sushi (Note: This was not originally our idea. Check it out here.)
39. Give it to Mariah Carey. That Twinkie's a goner for sure.
40. Submit it to cryogenesis, as these people did.
42. Freeze it
44. Use it as a doorstop.
45. Mauled by Unicorn!
46. Drop it off a building. We didn't, but they did.
47. Mentos, Diet Coke, Explode!
48. Hang it.
49. Give it to an artist. We gave it to our good friend at Suspect and Fugitive, who made a "Twin-Keith Richards" portrait out of the creme filling. Why? Well, as an homage to their shared infinite shelf life.
Finally, for #50? Oh, you know...eat it. If you dare.
cakespy mischief
Reader Comments (94)
So now I'm craving Twinkies. What does that say about me?!
Thanks for the smilz!
Hahahahahaha!
That guinea pig looks horrified by the twinkie...
this is a such fun read
:)hehehehe
That is so funny! Also living in Washington, I think I would have left one as a food offering to the Freemont Troll :)
LMAO oh my I'm in fits of giggles here ... Brilliant post!!
Rosie x
Brilliant post..hail to twinkie..thou immortal stuff...loved reading and laughing along the way !
This is great! I love it... very clever.
Wouldn't one of your suggestions be considered guinea pig abuse?
Oh hey, thanks for the link to the T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. Project. I was just following links from a friend's blog and then it was like, hey, I know that logo!
Not sure why when we microwaved it, all we got was smoke. Your translucent goo is muuuch cooler.
Brilliant! I love the Mariah Carey one, and it would totally work to fix the wobbly chair :)
This was so great! I want to use the pic of the twinkie eating a cheeseburger and put it on a shirt!! <3
Awesome! So funny, I can't even pick a favourite!
Genius! Simply brilliant.
That Twinkie didn't stand a chance.
Okay...so now I seriously want a Twinkie crouton (is there anything wrong with thinking that looks amazingly delicious?). And love the "Heathers" reference. :-)
gosh, i am glad i am not twinkie...although i kinda like being sat on for a long time LOL
brilliant as always!
So funny! I love it! I do feel bad for the twinkie though. :(
I'm just jealous I didn't think of this first. Brilliant!
oh! i am loving the pics that go with the crimes! perfection. thank you for sharing!
WOW, what an effort and yes, I'm LOLing!
TOO. FREAKING. FUNNY.
You guys have too much free time :)
I love the guinea photo :D! I'm partial to guineas, I used to have 2! I bet they'd squeak for a bite of twinkies :)!
Brilliant! That just brightened up my inbox on a horrible, cold, miserable thursday morning!! :)
I wish I were you!!!
This looks like so much fun!!!
i want your life :)