Thursday
Oct162008
Letter to the Editor: Mellowcreme Strikes Back
Thursday, October 16, 2008 
To Whom It May Concern at "Cakespy":
My name is Mellowcreme Pumpkin and I would like to comment on your recent article "Cake Poll: Fall Treats". In reading through your reader responses I notice that the confection known as "Candy Corn" has attained far more votes than me in the race to determine the superior Halloween Confection. It has brought me to only one conclusion: either this poll has been funded by "Candy Corn" or "Candy Corn" has paid off said readers for a positive response.
In defense of my superiority, allow me to point out some important issues which I hope will make readers reconsider their vote:
- There's simply no delicate way to state it other than to say Candy Corn is a Conehead. Do you really want to associate yourself with a piece of candy whose claim to fame is a resemblance to a washed-up vintage Saturday Night Live character?
- Candy Corn is skinny. They say never trust a skinny chef--I say never trust a skinny candy. Even considering Candy Corn's unbecoming "junk in the trunk", you'd still have to eat at least three of them to equal one of me.
- Seeing green: There's a lot of value put on being "green" in society these days. Well, do you see a trace of green on Candy Corn? No way. I'm the only confection in this mixed bag of candies to contain green. You know what that means? I'm practically a vegetable! Clearly I'm the healthiest choice, not to mention I have a more visually pleasing palette.
- The press agrees: According to Serious Eats, Candy Corn is "the fruitcake of halloween candy" and one of the 10 worst Halloween candies to give out. While some of you may argue that my ingredient list is the same, I don't see any pictures of Mellowcreme Pumpkins on that list, so clearly I am a confection of a higher caliber.
- I've inspired poetry: for a case in point, check out the beautiful poem "Ode to a Mellowcreme Pumpkin" by McPolack, Inc. Here's an excerpt:
Oh, sweet, sweet mellowcreme pumpkin...let's get together tonight in front of the Gilmore GirlsHave you ever seen a poem about Candy Corn? Well, have you? William Wordsworth would surely agree, I am the superior candy.
Where I will feast upon you until I very nearly hurl
They don't put nearly enough of you in the Brach's Autumn Mix.
I will close by imploring the readers of "Cakespy.com" to reconsider their vote. There is still time to remedy this voting travesty; consider your integrity here. Sure, "Candy Corn" may have dazzled you, what with its showy three colors and unusual shape. But please, look deep in your hearts--and stomachs--because I've got a lot of sweetness to share, if you'll just give me a chance.
Respectfully yours,
M. C. Pumpkin
tagged cakespy mischief, candy, halloween
cakespy mischief, candy, halloween
Reader Comments (62)
Mellow Creme, unfortch I have never had the pleasure of enjoying one of your kind. Perhaps MCs are not available in Canada. Just how mellow are you? And how cremey instead of creamy? Are you"creme" filled like a Cadburys egg? Do you taste of candy corn albeit in a different shape? One day I would like to discover this, in my own Canadian way. Until then, on aesthetics alone, I have to go with the geometrically pleasing/1970s colored enemy. (PS the neighborhood where I grew up, mini boxes of Sun Maid raisins were the most loathed of Halloween "treats")!!
:)
This made my day. I love you Mellowcreme!
hahahahaha....this was a riot....I love the fight scene...hehehehe
how do you come up with this stuff...love it!!!
Dear Mr. Pumpkin,
I don't remember if I voted for you or your opponent, Mr. Corn, but I remember having a difficult decision, as I do enjoy you both. However, I take issue with your viscious attack on Mr. Corn. You and Mr. Corn have basically the same platform, and your implication that readers have been paid off by Mr. Corn is simply insulting. Where are the facts to back up this assertion? The public deserves to know what your allegations stem from, or whether you have simply made this up.
Sincerely,
Noisy Penguin
I love them both!!!
Bwaaaahahahahahaha! This is priceless! You made my day! :D
Dear Mr. Pumpkin,
I must admit that I am not well acquainted with you or your platform, so I must agree with Noisy Penguin and take issue with your attacking style.
As a voter, I would prefer that you focus on how you you will make the world sweeter, as opposed to focusing on your candidates faults.
Can you please tell me your stance on free candy for all, as well as the status of candy as a member of the Food Group list?
Sincerely,
A concerned voter
We have Brach's in Canada. This cracks me up, because I always went for the fat pumpkin dude. If Mum said I could have 5 pieces ... well, I would have not been too bright to pick the corn. All I could hope for was a little corn to be stuck to the punpkins butt. Have a great day you silly fun sweets Gangstah you!!!
Lyns
HA!! Lol!! How hilariuos!! Thanks for puttin' a smile on my face!!
This just makes my day! :) Stand Strong, Candy Corn!!! Candy First!
Jesse, you are a goober and I love you for that! Mellow creme for your tenacity, I change my vote to you :)
This is the cutest thing I've seen all day.
Still, MC Pumpkin, I have never seen a vegan version of you, while there is at least one vegan version of Candy Corn floating around the internet. As such, I must deem you inferior. Good Day!
MellowCreme - for the record, you are the bell that sounds when fall has arrived. My first bag of MellowCremes is eagerly anticipated by everyone in our home. And one bag is never enough (in fact, it lasts not a day!).
Corn has nothing on your luscious texture and shape. You are simply delightful.
I voted Candy Corn and I'm standing by my man...er, choice.
While MellowCremes are tasty individuals, I like the way I can bite off individual colors of the Candy Corn. The dissection appeals to the neat freak in me. :)
That was so adorable! Mellowcreme puts up a good argument. I love you mellowcreme!
Love it! I voted for you mellowcreme! Down with candy corn!
Ha, I haven't laughed so hard in awhile. Maybe I need to get out more :)
I love you both, though Mr. Mellowcreme, you sometimes give me a sugar headache. I suppose I also get the same headache when I down a whole bag of your "skinny" friend. So, perhaps you're not so bad after all.
Oh, MC Pumpkin, how I love thee. I voted for you vehemently in the poll, as you are my true Halloween Candy favorite. In fact, you have inspired me to make a MC Pumpkin post on my foodie blog. Support the MC Pumpkin, the superior honey flavored Halloween confection!!
oh my sweet mellowcreme~
i voted for you!
i am even planning a special
cupcake~ just to honor you.
xxxxxx~
bonnie
how cute :)
I am laughing so hard that I can hardly breathe. Mellowcreme, take heart, the battle has not been lost!
You crack me up and make me smile! Love it!
Ahahahahahah! This was so funny! Oh fellow Mellowcreme I voted for you, i also thing candy corn is a conehead!
Ok the mellowcreme about to shank the corn??? Friggin' priceless. And I'd like it on the record that I went for a very bi-partisan Mellowcreme/Candy Corn Mix!
That has to be the cutest thing I've ever seen. I just want that little Pumpkin Melly for my very own and tuck him in at night! I think I need to go change my vote...