To Whom It May Concern:
Hi, Whoopie Pie here. Now, I know I'm kind of easy to make fun of. I have a stupid name, and even my regional variation in Pennsylvania is called "Gob"--not much better. But today I'm not here to lobby for a cooler name like Sweetburger or Awesome Sandwich.
No, I'm here to talk about matters of the heart.
Now, before you start to titter about "making whoopie", please know that your comments cannot hurt me, because I have heard them all. ALL OF THEM I TELL YOU.
I am writing to implore you to please, please, please STOP TRYING TO FIX ME UP WITH BOSTON CREAM PIE.
I get it, ok? I totally get it. We're both baked goods that have "pie" in the name that are not actually pies. We're actually both more cakey. In my case, cakey cookie. And in Boston Cream Pie's case...well, just cake, layered with cream and chocolate.
I hear Bostie's name comes as a result of his ancestors being baked in pie tins, so I guess there's some connection, even if it's weak. But in my case, no, I can't tell you why pie is in my name. It's like asking why is birthday cake delicious or who first combined peanut butter and chocolate . Nobody knows for sure, but we know they're Good Things.
So yeah, we do have stuff in common. We're both cakey, we both contain chocolate, and we're both delicious.
But here's the thing. Just because we're both from the Northeast, just because we're both Official State Foods (I'm the official state snack of Maine; Boston Cream Pie holds the honor of official state dessert in Massachusetts), just because we're both Pie misfits, just because we both contain butter and sugar and eggs...it doesn't mean that we complete each other.
For one thing, Boston Cream Pie is a cool guy, really he is, but he's so uptight, you know, in that reserved Boston blue-blood sort of way. I mean, he's from the Parker House. As much as he says he can just "roll with it" (I don't think he's trying to make a Parker House pun, either), it's just not true. Boston Cream pie is stiff, and kinda stale. It's all about the cream in the middle, but the cake is kinda boring.
He's just not my type. As for me, I like a tall drink o' milk. I've always been attracted to dairy types--milkshakes, flan, or tres leches cake any day. Don't believe it could work? It can. It has. I have a cousin who got married to Frozen Custard and they made a very beautiful baby.
So in closing: let me live my life, and you live yours. It's my body, and I can do what I wanna. And my fate isn't to become a Boston Cream Whoopie Pie (although that does sound tasty).
Sincerely,
Whoopie Pie (but my friends call me Sweetburger)